An Astrological Guide for Broken Hearts Edition
In the Italian series An Astrological Guide for Broken Hearts, Tio (Lorenzo Adorni) provides astrological guidance to romantically challenged production assistant Alice (Claudia Gusmano) as she navigates the dating world, and the duo kickstart a TV show about using astrology to find your match. Here we’ve collected Tio’s tips so you too can be guided by the stars, and we’ve included some familiar characters who exemplify Tio’s words (and often warnings) for each sign.
March 21 – April 19
An Aries is quite basic. They can marvel at events such as the discovery of fire or the invention of the wheel. However, they’re genetically unable to appreciate nuance, such as basic hygiene or chivalry. They find any sign of sexual promiscuity inappropriate. Tarzan was definitely an Aries. Therefore, unless you want to get your Aries down from a tree or take them out for a walk three times a day to do their business, it is better to move on.
Love Match: Geralt of Rivia (The Witcher)
April 20 – May 20
Only if you’ve had a terrible accident that left you paralyzed — unable to speak, to think, or even decide whether to breathe through your nose or mouth — when your life is hanging by a thread, is a Taurus right for you. When a Taurus speaks, their mind is made up. And nothing, nothing will stop them from going through with their plans. Not even your precious opinion.
Love Match: Devi Vishwakumar (Never Have I Ever)
May 21 – June 20
Let’s be honest, Geminis single-handedly support psychotherapy. Geminis have so many different personalities within them that they make regular appointments to discuss their issues. They live in chaos and are incapable of having just one idea, just one opinion, and just one man or woman. What they say today may not be consistent with their actions tomorrow. If a Gemini remembers to take you to the movies two whole days after asking you, they must be really serious about you.
Love Match: Anna (The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window)
June 21 – July 22
Let’s get one thing straight, you will never be better than a Cancer’s beloved mother. Their relationship is so intimate that a Cancer sees no need to fly the nest. But don’t worry: The good news is that you’ll meet your competition as soon as the lovable, sensitive, and caring Cancer invites you to their place to proudly show you their childhood room.
Love Match: Otis Milburn (Sex Education)
July 23 – August 22
Unless you’re really naive or devoid of any aesthetic sensibility, as soon as you hear the word Leo you should think reliable, safe, and strong. If you are so honored and fortunate to conquer the king of the jungle, just know the rest of the world will be deeply jealous.
Love Match: Jim Hopper (Stranger Things)
August 23 – September 22
If your love interest is a Virgo, trust me, you could be in big trouble. Have you seen Psycho? Or maybe you’ve read one of those books where the murderer is someone with a steady routine, apparently meek, and balanced. Where the neighbors say, “But he seemed like such a nice guy.” This is someone who loves doing the same thing day after day, hour after hour.
Love Match: Joe Goldberg (You)
September 23 – October 22
If things haven’t gone their way, it’s best not to cross a Libra’s path for at least a month. Convinced they’re the guardians of universal order, people whose ruling planet is Venus tend to not like surprises, especially when it’s their own heart that’s at stake. Anyone who dares to dash their hopes can be sure they will be blacklisted and will be ignored for centuries. Libras are consumed with a burning passion . . . inside. Because they’d swear they aren’t suffering at all.
Love Match: Cho Sang-woo (Squid Game)
October 23 – November 21
Scorpios owe their huge reputation as tenebrous lovers to cheap romance novels myths. Scorpios are actually the most contradictory of zodiac signs. They’re also full of vitality and passion, romantic, and amazing in bed. They cultivate secret passions that they’re often too reserved to share. But above all, Scorpios swim against the tide. Obstacles keep them intrigued. When skies are blue, they get bored.
Love Match: Assane Diop (Lupin)
November 22 – December 21
The symbol of movement, independence, and pure instinct. With a restless soul, it’s the sign of adventure. For a Sagittarius, reality and fantasy can get mixed up. So much so that their best friend is often an imaginary one. Best to let them believe it. They can be very stubborn, excessive, reckless, and inclined to exaggerate. They’re naturally good-humored, but don’t trust them too much. Because one day, suitcase in hand, they might simply disappear, without saying a word.
Love Match: Nadia Vulvokov (Russian Doll)
December 22 – January 19
Blessed with the sense of humor of a hair dryer, Capricorns are serious and reliable. They want to settle down. With you. Especially if, after checking your tax return, they’re sure you’re about to inherit a substantial sum of money from that great-aunt of yours. So, call the florist, start sending out the invites, and above all, get cracking on that prenuptial agreement.
Love Match: Lady Featherington (Bridgerton)
January 20 – February 18
Just when you’re about to give in, an Aquarius will be happy to stand by you and take your side. Then they’ll carry on with their life as if nothing happened. Opportunist, you might think. Of course. After all, their two favorite words are “free” and “spirit.” And to set themselves apart from the crowd, as a basic principle, they’ll take on any opinion that is different from yours. It doesn’t matter if that means arguing that the Earth is flat or that there’s life on Mars. For them, being like everyone else is the worst crime of all.
Love Match: Paula (Maid)
February 19 – March 20
Pisces have no problem telling you they love you, but you’ll never know if it’s true. They’re creative, unpredictable, and act on impulse. And there’s nothing to stop them from plunging headfirst into you. But be careful: Nothing can stop a Pisces looking for a more rewarding relationship as soon as they hit the water. Because they’re always on the lookout for someone more refreshing to dive into.
Love Match: Gabriel (Emily in Paris)